TW: mentions of rape and suicide

don’t be a stranger, dear princess. you know you’re pretty. i see your confidence. and you like all the attention you have. you’re a writer, a thinker, a woman artist, an intellectual daughter, an endearing sister, a caring mother, a perfect scholar, a special one. you can do it all. i make a mistake for keeping you close to me. i adore you. almost obsessed. i want to be a man who understands you. but you’re so straight you cannot even imagine bi-confusion. i look at you, thinking, is it jealousy or desire?

don’t be a stranger, dear princess. someone once said to me how free spirited you are. jiwa merdeka. i don’t think so. you’re just indecisive about what you want. you feel lonely. you feel lost. but i know exactly what you want. you always want men. single men. men with wives. men with girlfriends. i understand. you cannot help it. you easily fall in love. i do not blame you. it’s them who cheat. well, technically, you too. but it’s men’s faults, right? so, you feel righteous. you make excuses. you feel guilty for hurting other women, so you reach out to them, trying to make a bond yay sisterhood, “our guy is trash, right?” you want that nod so you can easily disown your action. but at the end of the day, you just want to feel less guilty. you never think about those women. you know men are trash. but here you are, eating devouring them.

don’t be a stranger, dear princess. let me confess. i make another mistake. i still want to meet you. looking at your brown big eyes. laying down side by side. talking about our days and dreams. i feel enough. let’s parting. let’s go our own ways. let’s not entangled anymore. thank you. i’m sorry. it’s done. but i don’t think we’re on the same page. you always want more and more things in your life. you want to have everything. you want to do anything. you cannot stop. i leap through your own footstep. i become one thing you want. only one. i don’t have what you already have. you don’t let me have it in peace. you feel missing out. but hey, congrats for having it too now. i’m happy for you. you can start making stories of struggles. you can soar to the sky, flying above the wind. congrats for everything. now you can be whatever you want. women on top, am i right?

don’t be a stranger, dear princess. i’m flailing. i love women but they don’t love me back. i want to be visible but my body speaks other things. i only have words. and few friends. and some money to make me stay floating. how does it feel to be a woman like you? let’s play your game of sisterhood. you experience misogynism. i also do. you’re a rape victim. #metoo. who raped you? a man. who raped me? a man and a woman. you suffered from depression. so do i. you tried harm. i did too. you felt pain. i’m currently wounding. you have scars. i’m bleeding still. you make narrative of progress; “i’m better now. the old me thank me.” i hold my own words; the old me is already dead. strangers give you woman gender; you accept it, feel it, embrace it, become it. strangers give me woman gender; i no longer consent. are you responsible for my life? of course you’re not. it’s not at all your fault, princess. you don’t have to worry. you can always play woman. sell stories out of it. sell books and memoirs and fiction and poems and get your grants, get your advance, get your exhibition, get your performance, get everything. i’m transitioning, in my dreams.

don’t be a stranger, dear princess. how’s your husband? how’s your lover? i see you’re proud of him. you enjoy it so much huh, his dick? or his art? or his music? or his scholarship? or his humbleness? his background? his faith? his fatherhood? a role model? you want tender masculinity. gentle maleness. i want them too. i want my body to belong. i want my nerves to stop twitching from mild dysphoria. Like you, i want to suck a dick too. Unlike you, i’m a sissy. how’s your girl friends? are you touching each other’s breasts? or you just being lovey-dovey wholesome bff? i once met one of your girls. she’s boring. you’re way more attractive. oh, you know? i bet you know. that’s why you’re still a friend. amazing. i like you more. can you offer your pussy to my mouth? of course no. you’re straight as a dry line. i wish i can make you wet. as a river, ocean.

don’t be a stranger, dear princess. i promise this is the last time. i’m going for real. have your child with you. rear him. his maleness. gatekeep him. his manhood. wash away his patriarchal sin. make him a person. a good one. i pray for the best. don’t pray for me. your god hates me so much. go celebrate woman’s day, mother’s day, wife’s day, daughter’s day. go tell stories of your intimate, big happy family. go tell your history. go tell your grandpas grandmas great grandpas great great grandmas greatness. go fish love emojis and praises “muda cantik berbakat.” go go go. it’s fun. it’s hella fun. i’m transitioning, in my dreams. in my dreams. in my deepest dreams.